You made a tiny human – congratulations! Now what? Lauren Williams, shares her knowledge to help you through those special, yet crazy first weeks with your newborn.
Making the transition from being parented to be a parent is a time of discovery, trial and error, and learning. Firstly, for you and your partner, have realistic expectations and make allowances for the important changes and personal adjustments that need to be made after the birth of your baby, as you upgrade the version of “us” from the family you were once before. Your goals, and 5-year plans will be renegotiated, parenthood involves physical, mental, emotional and spiritual shifts for each of you and often at different paces (Elly Taylor).
Many first-time parents underestimate their own instincts and ability to care for and understand a newborn, but you will find yourself learning and understanding your baby’s cues and cries very quickly. And with every new developmental stage your baby goes through, you will each continue to grow as people and as a couple as you navigate these unchartered waters together. Relax and take this time to cuddle, sleep, feed and respond to your baby’s needs as best you can.
In the early days, before you become accustomed to baby language, it’s important that you never ignore a crying baby. Newborns cry for a reason, be it hunger, discomfort, wet/dirty nappy, overstimulation or separation. Babies need lots of attention, and you cannot cuddle or spoil your baby too much. It is a myth that holding your crying baby a lot develops bad habits later – newborns are instinctive, and do not have the thinking capacity to understand the cause and effect of crying in order to be held until they are much older.
It is important to have realistic expectations about normal baby behaviour as well. It helps to imagine their experience of life so far: until birth, a newborn’s existence has been a dark, cosy and warm experience, with constant reassurance from the sound of their mother’s heartbeat, digestive noises, voice, and constant rocking. Being born catapults a baby into a bright, loud and cold world filled with many different stimuli (wind, perfume, dog barking, cars, colours, faces). This is why you might find yourself constantly rocking your baby in the first few weeks, or baby only settling when he/she is on your chest listening to the familiar sound of your beating heart.
Your baby is learning rapidly as her brain is seeing, hearing and touching the world around her. All babies have a period of feeling overstimulated from these new experiences, resulting in what is commonly known as a “witching hour”, a period of fussiness or crankiness (that unfortunately usually lasts more than an hour). During this time, baby may cry a lot, feed a lot or just not want to be put down. You may be able to relate to this feeling if you have ever been to an all-day concert or spent hours in sideshow ally with rides, lights and sounds!
Overstimulation continues as your baby grows and knowing your own child’s tolerance and responding to their cues begins as newborns. You may find giving a relaxation bath or swaddling to be helpful during this time, as the sensation of being in warm water and being tight is comforting to a newborn as it is familiar. If you have been inside most of the day, go outside, change the vibe, research shows babies require different stimuli – to explore their world both indoors and outdoors in all types of weather for brain development.
Babies are also programmed to sleep differently to adults – initially they do not know night from day and sleep in short burst of between 2-4 hours due to shorter sleep cycles. It is very common for newborn babies to wake 2-3 times throughout the night, as they cycle from deep sleep to light sleep, often needing assistance to settle or needing food. From 4-6 weeks old you may notice baby sleeping for longer periods at night, but because a newborn’s sleep patterns change regularly, it’s important you remain flexible, you and your baby will organically settle into a daily pattern of sleeping, feeding and activity time.
With that said, there are ways to encourage your baby to recognise night from day by having a consistent bedtime ritual, this helps develop a healthy sleep pattern and ability to self-settle. Just as most of us do in our adult lives, we tend to eat dinner at the same time, watch the same TV programs, shower and put ourselves to bed at roughly the same time. Some simple things to assist with baby becoming aware of day and night is to have the baby out with you during the day, having the TV on, vacuuming, and lots of interaction during wake times. At night, however, keep it to low lit, low noise and no talking to baby, just kiss and put them back to bed.
Some suggestions for a sleep ritual include a relaxing bath, and to dress bub in the same sleep sack/swaddle or blanket each night, something completely separate to their daywear. Then feed and put them down in their own bed even if drowsy. Saying the same thing as you place baby in the bassinette or cot, and a lullaby or noise from a white noise App or CD often provides baby with comfort to self-settle. Consistently and lovingly responding to your baby builds secure and confident attachments. You will soon find your baby becomes aware of day and night and begins to have longer lengths of sleep overnight from 6-8 weeks of age. This of course is a guide and there are no guarantees as each baby is an individual and, just like adults, have different temperaments. You will become the expert for your baby if you allow yourself to be instinctive.
Remember not to forget to look after yourself as well! Babies rely completely on us to grow and develop. Having a good support network or “village” in the first few weeks to help with the household duties and give you time to sleep during the day is invaluable. New mums stay in a state of arousal overnight in order to respond to their newborn babies, so napping during the day will assist with making up for these missing hours of replenishing sleep. Also, don’t forget to drink plenty of water and eat a healthy diet, especially if breastfeeding.
Also remember to check in with one another, you were people who loved each other before you were parents. Not everyone adapts as quickly to the personal, social, physical and emotional adjustments. Parenting can be isolating, or a sense of heightened anxiety/fear as you become aware of your own mortality and purpose to care for a new life. One in six women and one in ten men develop postnatal depression, not from a lack of loving their newborn, but from a combination of sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts and or personal challenges. Be kind to one another and be brave to start the conversation about how you are each coping with your new roles.
So, go on, cuddle your babies, trust your instincts and ask for help if you need it. Days may seem long in the beginning, but in hindsight the years seem short. Remember babies survive first time parents!
Don’t forget to seek out connections with other parents that are in the same stage of life. Mother’s and Parent Groups are excellent for support and many people develop life-long friendships through these groups. Eve Health host our own weekly mothers / parent group with our midwife Laurie, and guest speakers. All Eve families are welcome to join this supportive, relaxed, safe and social group. https://evehealth.com.au/events/mothers-group-meetup/
Below are a few good resources for building realistic expectations and understanding life with a newborn.
- Raising Children Network
- The Wonder Weeks (aso available as an app or book)
- Child Health
- Grow Medical
- Pregnancy Birth & Baby
- Becoming Us Family
Blog post by Lauren Williams, Director of Midwifery Services